About a month ago, on Halloween, I had so many invitations to go out to celebrate that I had a panic attack and went to stay with my Dad. This has become a regular occurrence, which is frustrating because I love people, I love going out and meeting new friends and experiencing new things. All of a sudden this has become the last thing I want to do. I am fine in the company of a few good friends in a situation I am familiar with, but as soon as I feel overwhelmed I am sprinting to my bed.
For a bubbly extrovert, this is perhaps the hardest part of my recently diagnosed anxiety and depression that I have to deal with; because not only do my friends have an expectation of me being this bright, bubbly girl, I have an expectation of myself to be that person too. So, I start having this internal battle with myself to try to be who I used to be, that results in me getting incredibly worked up and cancelling plans every week then curling up with The Mindy Project, and laughing and crying as if Mindy Lahiri is my best friend. That is so exceptionally sad that I am fine with you all judging me. Judge away, cause I don’t care. No really, I genuinely don’t care about anything. Another really depressing thing about depression; see what I did there? (Still got it).
Anyway, I digress. That night at my Dad’s I was so embarrassed by my inability to cope with people wanting to hang out with me, amongst other things, that I suddenly got really sassy with myself and told myself off; I gave myself a pep talk. Lucky for all of you, I wrote it down. So, today I am going to share it with you, because I can.
31st October 3014. A day of hiding under my covers from the world, pretending to be sick. Months of being anxious, sad, stressed and not looking after myself.
I am sick of feeling sorry for myself. I am sick of feeling chubby, sluggish and tired. I am sick of pretending to not care about my studies. I am sick of not looking after myself.
I want to be studious, nerdy, hardworking, loud and passionate. I want to have debates and be noticed for my intelligence.
I want to look good, to pluck my eyebrows, paint my nails, wear bright lipstick and to shave my legs. To wear nice underwear and to wash my face at night. Not to attract a man, but to show some self love to ME.
I want to eat well and exercise. To walk, run, pump iron. To be toned and fit. To have a beautiful, curvaceous figure, to wear any outfit with pride. I want food to be my fuel, not my therapist. I don’t want to get loose drunk anymore, I want to savour that liquor, to have fun.
I am over feeling sorry for myself. I want to push myself hard. I want to be noticed. I want to rediscover that spark that makes people want to listen to what I have to say, to be excited to see me, to stare at me as I walk down the street or into a room.
I want to create, to lavish in my talents, to show off and be irritating, because, fuck it, I have talent and what?
I want to be selfish and also giving. To care about me but also my amazing family and friends who have put up with my shit for so long.
I am going to be a healthy, fit, tidy, intelligent, caring, grown up girl who strives always for success. That sparkling girl.
Has it worked so far? Yes. It gave me the courage to hand in all my final assignments on time, to stop binge eating, to start seeing more of the outside world. I tidied my room and I shaved my legs (big step). I stopped looking in the mirror and focusing on the negative and started seeing this beautiful, shining girl who just needs to take some time to get back to where she needs to be. Next week is my birthday, and had it been a month ago I would have just curled up on the couch with two of my best friends and let it slip away. Instead, I have invited over twenty of my wonderful friends to come round and eat, drink and be merry. It is exciting getting back to grips with myself.
I am taking little steps and each day I am starting to feel a little less numb. Hopefully by the end of the Summer, I will have found my true self.
ps I know this has suddenly changed from a motivational blog to a bit of a sob story blog, but this is a new kind of battle that I have to motivate myself to get through, and I hope that my journey can help someone out there along theirs.