This post is going to have absolutely no purpose, I just want to express my feelings. My very negative for absolutely no reason feelings. I just figure that maybe if I express my horrible glumness the universe will listen and present me with a big, warm, snuggly blanket/hug and a huge piece of chocolate cake with sprinkles. And maybe some wine.
I woke up this morning inexplicably sad, dark and straight up grumpy and it’s now the late afternoon and I’m still sad, dark and straight up grumpy. It’s on days like today where I just want to throw things around, smash some plates, yell at someone and then cry into a bowl of ice cream and have a big cuddle (a boyfriend would be really handy right now…). I have this uncomfortable feeling about my sadness, like I’m grinding sand between my teeth. I’m incredibly anxious about feeling sad because I have been progressing so well with my anxiety and depression; I have been happy and calm for at least a month straight now.
I think today I’m finally realising that anxiety and depression is not fixed quickly, they both take time to heal. Some days I am going to feel euphoric, some days I am going to be happy, some days I will be ok, some days I will be numb, and some days I will be grumpy and some days I will cry. That is how a normal human functions, I can’t be skipping down the street with a big grin and with daisies in my hair every day, no matter how hard I wish I could.
This past week has been full of change, excitement and also severely anxious moments. I got offered and accepted two tutoring positions, which I am so thrilled about, but with that came a fast resignation from one job and anxiety about balancing my thesis with work. I got a new supervisor and the news came with plenty of happy dancing and squeals. I am starting my thesis in a week but I haven’t done any preparation – I haven’t even bought a sketchbook (cue feelings of failure). I am moving home, I have to paint my room, and I have to pack… I have no boxes. I am starting a big year. I know that I am going to be busy, stressed, overwhelmed and I am freaking the fuck out that it’s all going to collapse around me. And that is why today all I want to do is lie in bed, binge watch TV and cry. And eat. And cry some more.
There is a lot going on in my head and I feel like things are spiralling out of control when they haven’t even begun. This is how I got myself into serious mental health issues last year, because I worry. I worry about something that leads to worrying about everything that leads to worrying about worrying. I used to have a boyfriend that would tell me to “chill out” and it made me so mad because I genuinely can’t; I am not a chilled out person. I am a busy, excited, bounce around the house, silly, weird, chatty, wanderlust filled kid but the flipside of which means I am anxious, I over-analyse situations, and I have fidgety, irritable and moody days.
I know I need to plan. I know I need to break things down into chunks. I know I need to get a good sleep. I know I need to reduce my caffeine intake, stop eating so much junk, and get some fresh air and exercise. I know I need to stop putting unrealistic pressure on myself. I know I need to give myself a big hug and tell myself, ‘you are doing ok’. But you know what? I just can’t be bothered. I want to wallow in my melancholy and whinge.
And that’s ok. I am a human, I have feelings, I have anxiety and depression. Today was shit. I was bad at my job, I could not be bothered dealing with people. I am going to go home tonight and eat a burger and fries and watch a movie. I might cry. That’s ok.
Sometimes we need to wallow in our sadness and get to know that feeling in order to feel true happiness, to jump up and down and do a little dance when something good happens, to dream big, to love and to understand how awesome this world is.
And sometimes we just need a big greasy burger and a hug.
Update 22/2: Man, I’m so depressing, but after this I’ve managed to work out my formula to happiness: burger + StarWars + snuggles with my cat + a bit of exercise + an early night = a bright and happy Anneke.