A few months ago I wrote a wonderfully cheerful and sassy post all about how happy I was to be a single lady. I was single, independent and incredibly smug about it too. Then all of a sudden, BOYS. Boys, boys, boys. Boys. Boys. WHY.
Universe, you have a terrible sense of humour.
This is essentially a story of a 23 year old girl who has the dating abilities of an 18 year old girl. I need help.
One man came along and he wasn’t right for me at all. He was lovely, but there was one, teeny tiny (MASSIVE) problem. Age difference. “Age is but a number”. Sure, but when a guy is closer in age to your Mum than you he’s potentially too old for you…
He’s 39 and I am 23.
Yeah. I know. Try telling Anneke that at the time. She would never listen. Stubborn, sassy lady that one.
Around that time I met this other guy who is actually quite right for me. He is brilliant, smart, funny, kind and hot-damn-attractive. He makes me feel whole. He makes me better. But, I can’t call him mine. I shall call him Babeface because I know he reads my blog and I find it hilarious to make him feel uncomfortable. The little stalker.
Blush, Babeface, blush.
So, Babeface and I met and were instantly BEST FRIENDS. We flirted and teased and got very close, very quickly. Very early on in our new friendship he asked me if I had a crush on him, and I was exceptionally brave and said yes. Then he told me he had feelings for me but that he couldn’t be in a relationship because he was still hurting from events in his past. I accepted it. I cried like three tears and he bought me cake. I decided that I would move on and everything would be great. We would be friends and friends would be all.
It hasn’t really worked out like that. We haven’t ever acted like two friends. We go on coffee dates. We have sneaky cute hugs. I tell him he’s a babe and make him blush. We had what felt like a boozy dinner date. We flirt. We had a night out where we were all kinds of grossly cute with each other. I gave him a tiny adorable kiss on the face. I bought him treats and he squeezed in time to see me before he went out of town for the weekend. We care about each other, we’re mean to each other, and we’re pretty damn cute. It’s never really been a friendship, and I think he understands that too. That’s how we are, but then he went away and upon his return his vibe is all, ‘WE’RE FRIENDS. NOT ANYTHING. ME BEING NICE TO YOU IS COURTESY NOT COURTSHIP’ (Actually his line, no joke).
I get it. He’s terrified. He’s told me he doesn’t want anything, I have accepted it and I have tried to move on. However, it’s naturally developed into what it is now; a weird sort of more than friendship thing. I find it kind of silly because the only real difference from being in a relationship to what we have now is a label, some kissing and a level of commitment. I want the kissing, man. I have been really patient and haven’t tried to kiss him. I know, so weird! I have let it be and haven’t pushed anything further than what it is. Which is super difficult for me, because I am not patient at all, but this guy is pretty special and I don’t want to lose him.
Basically, what I’m saying, is that I’m being awesome.
The thing that irks me about this whole thing is that I’m letting him call all of the shots and I feel like I have no control over anything. First it was all ‘I like you but it’s never going to be a thing’, then it was ‘I want to keep you as a friend but act like I like you’ and now it’s all ‘I’ll let it be a thing when I want it to be’. Kinda thing.
And they think women are confusing. If I was calling the shots I would make out with his face and be a little bit nicer to him. Is that really, really scary? Probably, I’m pretty terrifying.
WHY IS THIS SO CONFUSING?
For the first time ever I feel like I was doing the right thing in the situation by being chill and now he has all the power. I could have just sprinted in the other direction instead of trying to be a nice person. Or asked him out on a date. Now I’m stuck in the exact kind of limbo I find terrifyingly confusing. One day I feel like I’d be totally fine to pounce on him with millions of kisses and other days I feel like I shouldn’t even be talking to him.
Again, this is essentially a story of a 23 year old girl who has the dating abilities of an 18 year old girl. I need help. Please.
I have friends who would tell me to run. I have friends who would tell me to kiss his face. I have friends who would tell me to be patient. I have friends who would tell me to have a chat with him. I have me in a little ball of confused madness.
I know that I am not happy with him suddenly trying to treat me as just his friend and I would be pretty damn heartbroken if he dated someone else. Perhaps that is my answer. I’m just too scared to accept it and I really don’t know what to do about it.