Panic + Failures + Is My Life A Movie?!

HELLOOOOOOO!

So this week I really, really wanted to blog and write some wonderful posts but unfortunately my anxiety got completely in the way of me functioning as a proper human. I didn’t really want to write a negative post. Even though I know that this is an open forum for my thoughts, the general consensus from friends and family is that they like the happy, joyful posts more so than the me whinging about my life kinda posts. I therefore feel guilty about writing anything negative, so don’t write anything at all if I’m in a bad space.

I guess that is a reflection of who I am outside of this virtual world of My Name in Bold. I am a happy, joyful girl and I try and maintain that persona even when I am hurting and struggling on the inside. People usually don’t know that I’m grumpy, and even if I do voice it most people just think it’s a little bit adorable. Except when I am actually super grumpy and don’t even try to cover it up. That’s short answer, cold shoulder Anneke and she is pretty scary. You don’t want to meet her.

But yeah, last week was not good. A lot of little things got to me, I’ve been exhausted, unmotivated and short tempered. I had a full blown panic attack on Friday. Panic attacks are horrible things. I had been annoying a friend and he told me off and I freaked out a bit, but I pushed past feelings of guilt and managed to calm myself down. Not long after that incident everything went blinding white, I couldn’t focus and I couldn’t breathe. I put my head in my hands and my friend came over to see if I was OK, when he realised I wasn’t he very calmly made me lay down on the couch, got me my sunglasses and got me to drink some water. It was very, very scary, and I am so thankful that he looked after me despite me having annoyed him not long before. Secretly I’m totally smitten with him now, nothing like a panic attack to make you fall in love with someone.

Jokes. I do appreciate his existence like, 10x more though. He’s a babe.

I am feeling better now though! After spending the afternoon painting with my hungover bestie on Saturday, I had a lovely impromptu night out which consisted of: drinks at a grungy flat, tipsy cuddles, MTV Hits, gin all over my legs, cringe worthy metal, dinner at 12am, sass queen dancing after hours on table tops, meeting Welsh boys straight out of the Valleys, chilling with my not so little brother, and so, so many laughs.

My life is straight out a movie sometimes, seriously.

Also, I have no idea what the above information will do for anyone, but it was good to get off my chest. Just know that I am ok, and one bad week will not ruin me!

Update tiiiiiiiiiiime.

[[ There would be a photo here but I left my camera at uni ]]

Weight 24.05.15: 71.4kg
(Start weight 10.05.15: 72.4. Weight last week 17.05.15 71.1kg)
Weight lost: +0.3kg
Total weight lost: 1kg

So, I gained a little bit of weight this week. I understand why. I haven’t been sleeping well, haven’t been eating that well and I did NO exercise. Like, none. You know what? It’s not the gaining of the weight that upsets me, it’s that last week I didn’t really try to look after my health and it’s reflected in not only the weight gain, but the fact that my mood was low, my energy was low and my sleep was terrible. I know that to feel good I have to treat my body and my mind with care and respect. And I just straight up didn’t. I have disappointed myself in a way. So actually, that is the one big goal for this week; be nice to myself!

To end this on a positive note, I am really excited because next week not only do my parents come home, but my best mate Emma is moving around the corner from me!! I also have my last week of courses for tutoring which is kind of sad, but I am so proud of my students and how much they have grown in the time I have known them. I am such a sap ha! (Secretly I am looking forward to having all the time in the world to focus on my thesis, because I have neglected that little puppy a bit. Poor thing.)

I hope you all have a lovely week. Eat well, breathe and enjoy life!

XO

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. Phoebe says:

    Hey girl,

    Just had a look at your blog – I think it’s great that you’ve created something to help you process your thoughts – can very much relate to your struggles with anxiety from my own.

    I wanna say one thing though. Fuck those people who tell you they like the more positive posts. Stop apologising for “whinging” or “moaning”. You aren’t. From what I understand, this blog helps you to express yourself and who you are – that means all the good bits and all the flaws as well. Anxiety and depression is obviously a big part of your life. If using this is a tool to get out what’s in your head or just have somewhere to put those emotions, don’t censor yourself based on whether it makes others uncomfortable if they have to read something that might be particularly hard. Go to those places. They can skip them if they want.

    That’s all. Keep doing what you’re doing!

    X

    Like

    1. mynameinbold says:

      Hey Phoebe,

      Thank you for the reassuring message! I think I needed someone to tell me that – badass words of wisdom!! I think it actually makes things worse for me when I get told to “keep my chin up” or “be positive”. I’m trying, really hard. This is definitely an outlet for those darker inner thoughts, the ones that people shy away from and the ones that do actually need to be talked about.

      Thank you for being awesome and also thanks for reading my blog. You’re a kickass lady!

      xx

      Like

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